Mmmmmm Life!!!

I have not been here for a long time and probably should. I am sorry blog forgive me for neglecting you. So many things have been happening here at home. Some scary, some funny, ome annoying and some of course baffling. I am getting ready to head pout the door and start the first of many hectic holiday days! Sometimes I wish we could just slow down andanot have to do so much so fast. But this is life and this is how it goes. So I will stop and get a diet no-no, Pepsi, and start my day. When I put my head down tonight I will be exhausted but loving every minute and every memory that I made for my kids today!

My cup runeth over

As I sit here preparing for Olivia's 5th birthday I can't help but feel blessed. I am still in love with my husband, although at times I would like to smack him.LOL!!! I have 4 great kids that each brings something special to the family. Ahhh MY KIDS!!!!

Now about my Liv Grace. She was born fighting and stubborn, Born at 29 weeks the little stinker would move her self sideways in her isolette in the NICU. I would come in for my daily visit and the nurses would say.."Mom you need to let your little girl know that she is a preemie. She was moving around in her isolette again." The 4 pound pistol stayed 3 weeks in the NICU and came home only on an apnea monitor that might I add only went off once. Unlike Amelia this little girl was ready to join us and she has been running the show ever since. I know that God brought her into our lives because he had already chosen our family for Amelia. He knew we would need that little comic to keep us laughing.

I used to write alot of the things she would say down in a journal but then life got hectic and I stopped. She can make a face and have you rolling on the floor with tears in your eyes. She knows just when to let a joke out and just when to hug you. Just today she asked if we lived on a ranch or a farm!?! I told her neither just in a house with a yard. Her response... Ah man if we aren't ranchers than I can't name my horse Flicka!! I never knew there were rules and guidelines to naming livestock! According to Queen Olivia there is!! Despite the constant arguing over who is right such as, she thought her name should be spelt Oliiva. Makes sense you should keep the letters that are the same next to each other. After tiring of arguing with her I said enough I chose it to be spelled this way and you will spell it that way. She then proceeded to inform me that she was not going back to school, she was right she knows how to spell her name but no one will listen to her ever so she is staying home! Ahhh this is my Livy strong minded, kind hearted and an absolute gift from God.

Happy Birthday 5 year old!!

disconnect

First let me just say that I really need to learn how to spice up my blog!!!!!

Now, on to my post. Let me just say sorry to those who I usually make contact with on a website. I have not been there lately because of me... not any one else. I am having major menopause right now and can not get myself to connect with others. I feel like the only thing I have a relationship with is the fan, the bottle of wine in the fridge, and the kleenex. I feel like crap and it is my fault for not getting my replacement like I am suppose to. I do miss everyone online and in real life and I am really trying to do better. I hope all will understand and allow my hormones time to level out so I am bearable. i truly love all my friends and family!!!

Have you seen my body???

I feel like I have been running non stop the past month. There are days that my mind can't catch my body.. or vice versa. I am ready for some down time maybe a night out with my husband! Some weeks i feel like I am so disconnected from him and other weeks I am ready for a break from him. Go figure, you can never make a estrogen depleted woman happy. LOL!! So as I sit here typing this I keep thinking of how I am suppose to be doing this and that and blah blah blah. It will get done, plus if I wait maybe someone will do it for me ( I hate mopping!).
Well I am suppose to be putting together my resume to give to my chiropractor's office. I am ready to go back to work part time and bring in some much needed extra money. I have also decided to go back to school and get a degree... FINALLY. I am thinking of medical assistant for now then go back later when I have more time and get my social work degree. Pray for me friends. I seem to keep adding things to my plate yet I wonder why I get so tired!! Oh well I will need something to get my mind off of the fact that my baby is in school half a day. Can you imagine what a basket case I will be when she is in kindergarten ALL day. Lord help us all I will be a wreck.
I mean really why is it so hard for us Moms to see our kids go off to school??? Shouldn't we be proud that we have raised them well to the point they are ready to begin there education? Yet we sit there with a box of Kleenex, bawling our eyes out. I know that my problem is the feeling that they don't need me fully anymore. Just knowing that someone else can do the daily things that I always do. It is okay Mama.. NO ONE can ever do it as well as you do!!

Lord give me the strength..

I could finish this with so many different things! I often pray asking God to help me with strength, peace, comfort, wisdom, and guidance. Who in this time and day doesn't need help with these things!?! I really do try hard not to get upset and let things roll off my back, but I am finding it harder and harder. Lord give me the strength and understanding to handle the situation the way you want me to. I know this all seems a little confusing.. so let me get into it.

Many know of my battle about the way my Mother in law treats some of my kids. Let me add that this is also done to my older sister in laws 2 kids also. She seems to have a favorite child from each family, except the youngest sister. She favors the youngest 2 kids above all. I swear I am not making this up and I have been told that this was the way growing up too. Example, Amelia was always having her pacifier taken away and being told she was to old since about a year old. Youngest cousin is 10 months younger than her and when cousin was a little over 18 months she was still on a bottle. Amelia being 2 takes her bottle and takes it to the kitchen. Mother in law than proceeds to get on to her and makes her cry. I was livid!!!!! She doesn't understand why she can't have something in her mouth yet E can!?! There is a long list of stories I can tell you. In fact we had to finally tell them that Olivia was not allowed to stay the night any more unless they also let Amelia. I firmly believe that alot of it has to do with Amelia being special, she can't handle nor does she accept that she is a special needs child.
Now to what started me on this whole thing once again. Out of the blue Saturday night Amelia tells us that grandma spanked her bottom. They had watched the girls for the weekend about 3 weeks ago (see previous post!). Of course, big irritant coming up, they keep the other 2 cousins the whole time also. This is something they always do, despite watching them at least once a week they will not keep our girls without keeping the other 2 also. Any ways, Nate calls and asks about this. Yes she did swat her because she was throwing things at E. Now, I KNOW that my kids can be brats and are NOT perfect in any way. Yet, I also know that Amelia will not just throw things for no reason. She is with my sisters little boy(same age as E) at least 3 times a week. They will hit and throw and yell when one or the other has taken a toy, hit first, or thrown first. She just doesn't do it for no reason! she wont even throw things at Olivia who deserves it 99% of the time. I am so pissed about this. Luckily Nate is mad to. Unfortunately for my kids we wont be going over or letting them stay over unless 1. it is a family gathering or 2. Sister in laws kids wont be there also.
I feel like this is so mean but my kids are treated so differently if the other ones are there. I have to do what is best for my kids. Oh Lord please give me guidance!!

The Dial up Vent

So here I go.. I am going to vent all of my dail up frustrations. I am mourning the loss of DSL and am HATING going back to dial up. You would think that they would have found some way to make it faster.. or a way to get DSl out in the stix. I love being in the country. I love the quite, all the stars at night, the room for the kids and most of all no busy street with idiots flying down it. But I HATE dial up,Oh and the june bugs! It is not entirley true that this is our only option we could get satellite internet.. with only a $300 hook up fee! Are ya kidding me that is a freakin van payment!! So hear I sit griping and wishing I had a money tree in the back yard.

So now you know! I still love and miss every single one of you, I just can't get anything done. Seriously I have like little 30 min breaks to get on here and that's how long it takes to get logged on. Okay mild exageration, but so how it feels. I am NOT mad at anyone I just can't seem to get the time needed to catch up. I do check my blogger friends daily, just can't get the time for P2P. Oh and I wont even get started on trying to upload pics! Jiminy that is a super headache. Good news though, my insomnia is back so I may be able to get a little more done internet wise! LOL!!!

WOOHOOO

Ahhhhhhhhhh!!! It feels great to be sitting here and blogging. I should be in the shower since we have to be at a party in 50 minutes. OOPS! So much has been going on I don't know where to start..

We are kid free for the weekend. wink wink!! After spending all the time we wanted together I am now on the comp and he is watching T.V. LOL!!! True married life at it's best. ;) I am however missing my babies, just don't tell Nate.

School is starting on Thursday and I hate to admit it but I am excited. Being able to get the kid number s down during the day is going to be great. No fighting over the remote, the chair next to Amelia, or anything they can find to fight about. I can also get Mia back on her schedule, ehich means Mommy time in the afternoon. (this is also known as computer/phone/soap opera time!)

Now, to all those(Keely,Mel) who have told me I need to add pics and stuff to my blog I am going to work on that this week!! I have some great pics of my man on the horse and the kids also riding. I can't wait to get them downloaded and on here.
Okay enough for now.. I have 45 minutes to get ready!!!!!!

MIA

So we finally found a house that is beg enough for everyone!! WOOHOO!!!!!! We are in the process of moving and I am getting ready to take down the computer so I thought I better blog one last time. I don't know when we will have internet set up out there so I could be gone for awhile! I am sore from head to toe and just want to sit in a hot bath, but there is work to be done.

To everyone that has called and I haven't called back ... I am so sorry I will call you this week! PROMISE!! To the cutest little blond boy, I am so sorry I missed your party, I will plan a play date this week!!

Well Goodbye!! Hope to be back by Wednesday!

takin a vacate

I feel like I have been running non stop. Which in reality I probably have. I have had some great things happen to us this week and it's only thursday. :) I had an e-mail from an amazing lady that works with my Mom to see is we could use her son's old Kid Kart. This is an actual wheelchair that looks like a stroller. This was such a God send since I was trying to talk Nate into letting me buy a stroller that cost $140. It was the only one that sat her halfway straight. This wheelchair is awesome, she loves sitting in it. Unlike the regular strollers she doesn't not cry and want out. She axtually asked to sit in it last night during the fireworks. Then just 5 minutes ago the Genetics dept called and they have a cancelation if I want it. Heck ya!!! So know instead of having to wait til Sept 4Th we are being seen on JULY 23RD!!! Praise God. But the best destresser for the week is that we are leaving tomorrow afternoon to take the kids to Oklahoma City. We are only going to be gone about 24 hours and we aren't going to any big amusement parks but it will still be fun. My shoulders feel so lighter this week, I just pray that Genetics can figure something out for us!!!!

UGH!! BLAH!!!!!!!

What a stinky week. It seems to just keeps getting worse. On tuesday my Sister had to take my Mom to the ER because of chest pains. they did a heart cath on Wed and all was okay. She does have a 50 % blockage but they can treat it with medication, diet, and excercise. I hate to say this but it really was a blessing thta this happened. It has pulled her out of her pity party funk shehas been in. she has a better appreciation for her family and is trying to eat better. she has been so unhealthy, eating out every meal and not healthy choices either. It seems like everything is fried with her. She is overwieght and doesn't excersice. i just hope she takes advantage of this second chance.
Our Gi appt was okay. she gained a pound which is great but she is still having tummy aches and reflux..more of that on her site.

The worst part of my week is that I had to spend dinner with my in laws. This wouldn't have been bad but my sister in laws kids were there. So of course Amelia was treated like crap. She sat there and fed Sil youngest who is turning 2, but when Amelia was trying to get her attention she just get on to her. The crappiest thing was that Brayden used to get his drink taken away if he would sit there and guzzle it and not take a bite. Little one sat there and guzzled and noone said crap about it.. except me.LOL!! I have decided that as long as her cousins are there Amelia will not be over there. I will not allow my child to grow up being treated differently because her g-ma has favorites.

Then today topped the cake. We have till the 22nd of July to find a new place (mold in basement here). So far we have not found anything with more than 2 bedrooms. there is no way we can get a family of 6 in to a 2 bedroom and allow the kids privacy and modesty. It probably wouldn't be too bad but mallory is 13 and needs her space. Money is super tight and we are fighting BAD. He has been such a butthead to everyone and I am sick of it. the kids get there heads tore off everytime they turn around and nothing they do is good enough. I can take him being a grump with me since I have been known to be the biggest B when needed, but I wont let him take it out on the kids. I actually told him i was ready to seperate today. I love him so much but right now I really can not stand the man.

Okay so I am feeling a little better. still struggling with the unknown but I am trying to be positive. Her PT came today and doesn't think that her regression is anything that PT can fix at this point. UGH!! I figured as much and really how can we work on it if we don't have the cause!?! So we see Gi again next week and I am going to push for a little more this time. I don't want to pull the B card but I am ready too! But for now I am going to try to get some rest.. I got some major circles!!!!!

Wow! I am blogging.

I have decided to start this blog more for therapeutic reasons than any other. Of course I have a website for Amelia and her updates, but I needed something for me. I have been handed a lot through out my life and although I would never trade in a single experience it stills wears on me. I have been really struggling lately with my faith and my mental strength. I try so hard to portray this super strong, all together, stop a moving train supermom image, but I am not!! I am scared. I am hurting. I am confused. I know I need to let others know how vulnerable I am and what I am feeling, but then who would take care of them???? I have gotten really great at being a fake. You know the fake happy and the fake smile. Example.. Every time someone says "I don't know how you do it" or " God wont give you more than you can handle" and of course my ALL time favorite " She looks so good, she must be doing better". This is when I put on the fake smile, do the fake little head nod and crumble even more inside. I just want to scream, are you kidding me!! How do you not handle it??? Do I let my kids suffer cause it's hard??? I am so sorry but was God not there on the kitchen floor when I cried for 2 hours cause my baby couldn't climb the stairs again today??? As for looking so good if all you knew your whole life was pain and struggle wouldn't you forget your not suppose to be smiling, is she being labeled because she has a loving heart and likes to smile??? She is almost 3 weighs 22 lbs, has the vocab of an 18 month old and has to wear leg braces when did this become looking good!?!

i know I sound like a big whining brat, but this is my blog and it is here so I can whine all I want. I need this so I don't hold it in and let it eat at me until I get to the point I have to take anxiety meds. Please don't think bad of me, just lend an ear and maybe a shoulder. This is hard stuff being a Mom.:)