Wow! I am blogging.

I have decided to start this blog more for therapeutic reasons than any other. Of course I have a website for Amelia and her updates, but I needed something for me. I have been handed a lot through out my life and although I would never trade in a single experience it stills wears on me. I have been really struggling lately with my faith and my mental strength. I try so hard to portray this super strong, all together, stop a moving train supermom image, but I am not!! I am scared. I am hurting. I am confused. I know I need to let others know how vulnerable I am and what I am feeling, but then who would take care of them???? I have gotten really great at being a fake. You know the fake happy and the fake smile. Example.. Every time someone says "I don't know how you do it" or " God wont give you more than you can handle" and of course my ALL time favorite " She looks so good, she must be doing better". This is when I put on the fake smile, do the fake little head nod and crumble even more inside. I just want to scream, are you kidding me!! How do you not handle it??? Do I let my kids suffer cause it's hard??? I am so sorry but was God not there on the kitchen floor when I cried for 2 hours cause my baby couldn't climb the stairs again today??? As for looking so good if all you knew your whole life was pain and struggle wouldn't you forget your not suppose to be smiling, is she being labeled because she has a loving heart and likes to smile??? She is almost 3 weighs 22 lbs, has the vocab of an 18 month old and has to wear leg braces when did this become looking good!?!

i know I sound like a big whining brat, but this is my blog and it is here so I can whine all I want. I need this so I don't hold it in and let it eat at me until I get to the point I have to take anxiety meds. Please don't think bad of me, just lend an ear and maybe a shoulder. This is hard stuff being a Mom.:)