UGH!! BLAH!!!!!!!

What a stinky week. It seems to just keeps getting worse. On tuesday my Sister had to take my Mom to the ER because of chest pains. they did a heart cath on Wed and all was okay. She does have a 50 % blockage but they can treat it with medication, diet, and excercise. I hate to say this but it really was a blessing thta this happened. It has pulled her out of her pity party funk shehas been in. she has a better appreciation for her family and is trying to eat better. she has been so unhealthy, eating out every meal and not healthy choices either. It seems like everything is fried with her. She is overwieght and doesn't excersice. i just hope she takes advantage of this second chance.
Our Gi appt was okay. she gained a pound which is great but she is still having tummy aches and reflux..more of that on her site.

The worst part of my week is that I had to spend dinner with my in laws. This wouldn't have been bad but my sister in laws kids were there. So of course Amelia was treated like crap. She sat there and fed Sil youngest who is turning 2, but when Amelia was trying to get her attention she just get on to her. The crappiest thing was that Brayden used to get his drink taken away if he would sit there and guzzle it and not take a bite. Little one sat there and guzzled and noone said crap about it.. except me.LOL!! I have decided that as long as her cousins are there Amelia will not be over there. I will not allow my child to grow up being treated differently because her g-ma has favorites.

Then today topped the cake. We have till the 22nd of July to find a new place (mold in basement here). So far we have not found anything with more than 2 bedrooms. there is no way we can get a family of 6 in to a 2 bedroom and allow the kids privacy and modesty. It probably wouldn't be too bad but mallory is 13 and needs her space. Money is super tight and we are fighting BAD. He has been such a butthead to everyone and I am sick of it. the kids get there heads tore off everytime they turn around and nothing they do is good enough. I can take him being a grump with me since I have been known to be the biggest B when needed, but I wont let him take it out on the kids. I actually told him i was ready to seperate today. I love him so much but right now I really can not stand the man.

Okay so I am feeling a little better. still struggling with the unknown but I am trying to be positive. Her PT came today and doesn't think that her regression is anything that PT can fix at this point. UGH!! I figured as much and really how can we work on it if we don't have the cause!?! So we see Gi again next week and I am going to push for a little more this time. I don't want to pull the B card but I am ready too! But for now I am going to try to get some rest.. I got some major circles!!!!!

Wow! I am blogging.

I have decided to start this blog more for therapeutic reasons than any other. Of course I have a website for Amelia and her updates, but I needed something for me. I have been handed a lot through out my life and although I would never trade in a single experience it stills wears on me. I have been really struggling lately with my faith and my mental strength. I try so hard to portray this super strong, all together, stop a moving train supermom image, but I am not!! I am scared. I am hurting. I am confused. I know I need to let others know how vulnerable I am and what I am feeling, but then who would take care of them???? I have gotten really great at being a fake. You know the fake happy and the fake smile. Example.. Every time someone says "I don't know how you do it" or " God wont give you more than you can handle" and of course my ALL time favorite " She looks so good, she must be doing better". This is when I put on the fake smile, do the fake little head nod and crumble even more inside. I just want to scream, are you kidding me!! How do you not handle it??? Do I let my kids suffer cause it's hard??? I am so sorry but was God not there on the kitchen floor when I cried for 2 hours cause my baby couldn't climb the stairs again today??? As for looking so good if all you knew your whole life was pain and struggle wouldn't you forget your not suppose to be smiling, is she being labeled because she has a loving heart and likes to smile??? She is almost 3 weighs 22 lbs, has the vocab of an 18 month old and has to wear leg braces when did this become looking good!?!

i know I sound like a big whining brat, but this is my blog and it is here so I can whine all I want. I need this so I don't hold it in and let it eat at me until I get to the point I have to take anxiety meds. Please don't think bad of me, just lend an ear and maybe a shoulder. This is hard stuff being a Mom.:)